


these tornadoes are for you

by dustyveins



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Drowning, Gen, Internalized Homophobia, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pretty much all characters are just peripheral, Steve Harrington's Feelings are their own character, Steve Harrington-centric, Suicidal Thoughts, a hint of a hopeful ending, but he doesn't actually drown he just ruminates on the possibility, vague mention of the AIDs crisis at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-28 19:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20069596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dustyveins/pseuds/dustyveins
Summary: Steve was eleven years old the first time he thought about drowning, of sliding underwater and not coming back up, of whether or not anyone would notice, whether or not anyone would care.





	these tornadoes are for you

**Author's Note:**

> I started thinking about [this poem](https://anotherhand.livejournal.com/40250.html) the other day and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I also couldn't stop thinking about Steve Harrington liking boys and how we get peaks behind his confident, popular boy mask sometimes and the fact that, if he were real, he would be about the same age as Richard Siken. So now there's this. The title is from the same poem.
> 
> The tags are serious this baby gets Dark so please watch yourselves and be careful!
> 
> Steve was mostly based on the way that, when I realized I liked girls, it didn't even matter if I actually had a crush on them: every touch felt secret, every second felt like I was about to get caught, and I just wanted someone else who saw me and didn't hate me for it. So I guess this 3k angst fest is a study in projection more than anything else!

The blond boy in the red trunks is holding your head underwater  
because he is trying to kill you,  
and you deserve it, you do, and you know this,  
and you are ready to die in this swimming pool  
because you wanted to touch his hands and lips and this means  
your life is over anyway.  
You’re in the eighth grade. You know these things.  
You know how to ride a dirt bike, and you know how to do  
long division,  
and you know that a boy who likes boys is a dead boy, unless  
he keeps his mouth shut, which is what you  
didn’t do,  
because you are weak and hollow and it doesn’t matter anymore.  
_ A Primer For The Small Weird Loves - Richard Siken_

i.

Steve was eleven years old the first time he thought about drowning. His parents had thrown him a pool party and invited all his friends. Scott and Larry and Lou and Kevin and more. Even Tommy H came and he didn't bring Carol even though Steve knew that they were spending a lot of time together, that all Tommy talked about these days was her and her breasts and how she was the first in their class to start wearing a bra and she picked _me, Steve, can you believe it?_ And Steve could but he couldn't because Tommy was his friend first and now he was going away.

Steve was eleven years old the first time he thought about drowning, of sliding underwater and not coming back up, of whether or not anyone would notice, whether or not anyone would care.

Steve's eyes caught on the hem of Tommy's swim trunks. They got caught and he couldn't rip them away but he had to, he knew he did. He put his head under water and held his breath until his lungs felt like they were about to burst and then for a few seconds more and he came back up gasping and nobody said anything.

He was eleven the first time he thought about drowning, but he was better at hiding it back then.

ii.

Steve spends the summer he turns thirteen at the public pool. He has his own but he's not supposed to use it when his parents aren't home and it feels like his parents are never home but he isn't quite jaded enough to break the rules yet - still afraid of getting caught, and there are so many ways to get caught these days.

Steve and Tommy H and Carol are shoving around in the pool and Tommy wraps his arms around Carol's waist and kicks off the wall. She cackles, this high pitched thing, and Steve feels a pit deep in his stomach and he doesn't want to think about why. Tommy says they're going to go grab snacks and that Steve should wait for them here and Steve knows what that means: they're going to go make out behind the far vending machine, the one with a few feet of space between it and the wall, just big enough for two clumsy eighth graders to go neck for a little while. Steve says okay but he doesn't want to. He watches them walk away before pulling himself out of the water, sits on the cement edge so the lower half of his legs are still submerged, watches his feet kicking, slow and distorted.

He looks around, feeling alone and almost bold with it, let's his eyes catch on the life guard stand for a second, on the well tanned teenager sitting all the way up there, the way he's practically glowing. Steve forces his eyes away and back to his feet and he thinks about the smell of sunscreen, of his hands on Tommy's back, of how it always feels like something secret, like just another way to get caught, and he knows the sound of his father's raised voice and he knows he would hear it again and his father doesn't know yet but Steve knows he'll figure it out.

He thinks of the lifeguard, of his red swim trunks, of the way they pull across his thighs when he sits, of the way the whistle rests against his lips. He slips back into the water and holds his breath. He submerges until he can feel his lungs burn and then a few seconds more. He imagines the lifeguards hands on his shoulders, holding him under. Thinks of drowning. Thinks of irony. He thinks of the weight of longing and the shape of it. He thinks of how this is what happens to boys who think about boys: they drown in it.

He knows he likes girls. He kissed Stephanie by that vending machine the other day and he liked it, liked the feel of his hands on her waist, hers on his face. He thinks it would be easier if that was the only thing he wanted.

He comes back up, gasping for air, and nobody even looks.

iii.

When Jonathan Byers beats him into the ground Steve can't even find it in himself to fight back. He's thinking about being with Nancy in his pool and he's thinking of being with Jonathan in his pool and he's thinking about how wanting is a funny thing and he's never known how to navigate it. He knows that Nancy is shouting and he's thinking about drowning. He's thinking about cruelty and all the ways he's learned how to hide and how it isn't worth it anymore. He's thinking that he deserves this, fists flying and flying and flying. He deserves this, he does.

iv.

Jonathan Byers grabs his hand and pulls him down a hallway. Steve is eleven and scared or he's seventeen and scared and he doesn't even know if it matters because a monster is a monster. He's used to those.

They're different when they live inside you.

v.

They're not friends, not quite, and Steve can't shake from his ears the sound of the camera hitting the ground, the glass shattering, but he tries. He tells himself it's just for Nancy. He tells himself it's summer and it's over and yeah, he still has a nail studded bat in the trunk of his car, sure, but he hasn't used it since that night so that means the monsters are gone.

He invites them over to swim; Nancy and Jonathan and Will because Jonathan hardly leaves the house without him these days. It took all of this time for Nancy to even come back here again and Steve's got an arm wrapped tight around her shoulders when Jonathan and Will arrive. Jonathan's eyes catch on it and Steve feels embarrassed somehow. Jonathan's shoulders are hunched and Will is quiet, watching them with wide eyes. He slides his backpack off of his tiny shoulders and pulls a walkie talkie out and sets it on the deck table.

"Hey," Steve says.

"Hey," Jonathan says. Nancy gets up and guides him over, a hand on his arm. Will follows dutifully.

"Let's swim," Steve says, and he takes his shirt off and throws himself in the water before he can think too hard about Nancy's hands on Jonathan's arms, of directionless longing. He holds his breath until he thinks he can't anymore and then he holds it a little longer.

When he comes back up, Will is sitting on the edge of the pool, legs dangling in the water, watching him with wide, curious eyes.

vi.

He has a dream or maybe a nightmare where he's back standing in Jonathan Byers' bedroom; just Steve, Jonathan, and Nancy listening to the creaking wood floors outside the door and he's got a bat weighing heavy in his hands. He can practically feel the weight of Jonathan and Nancy behind him and he can't see them he can't see them he can't -

He turns around so fast and suddenly he's free falling and he's breathing in nothing but water. Everything smells like chlorine and his lungs are on fire and he thinks he can still feel Jonathan's hand, warm in his own, and Nancy pressed up against his side and -

Steve wakes up, sitting straight up in his bed, gasping for breath and sweating and Nancy groans beside him. She lays a dainty hand on his chest and murmurs to him about going back to sleep and so Steve lays back down. His heart is racing and he stares at the ceiling long enough that the sun starts to come up, shining through his bedroom window.

vii.

He doesn't need to think about it. He's with Nancy and he loves her and she loves him and so he doesn't have to think about anything else.

Except she doesn't love him, though, and Jonathan follows him outside and he doesn't even think he's breathing right now but he has to take care of Nancy even if she doesn't want him to, so.

"Hey, Johnny," he says, sniffing. "You know, I think I'm sick. You know, freak stomach bug or something, my eyes are watering like crazy. Do you think you could drive Nancy home?"

Jonathan's looking at him like he doesn't believe him and Steve's zeroing in on Jonathan's hand on his arm, heat burning through his jacket. Steve's face is cold and going numb and Jonathan nods.

"I. Yeah, okay. I'll take her home. Feel better soon, Steve," he says, and Steve feels like his entire body is on fire.

"Thanks," he says, voice cracking.

He gets in his car and he stares at his wheel, vision blurring out. He takes six deep breaths, blinks hard, and starts his car. He drives all the way home and doesn't remember a second of it. He goes out back and sits by the pool and thinks about his big empty house, thinks about the fact that there is never anybody in it but him, thinks about how long it would take someone to find him if he threw himself in the pool and froze.

He had Nancy and it was like protection, like he could just stay with her forever and he'd be okay and nobody would ever have to know the way his skin prickled when he tripped in the seventh grade and Lou Ioveno caught him with an arm around his waist. But if Nancy doesn't love him then what does he have? If Nancy doesn't love him, did she figure him out? Did she see straight to the ugly heart of him? Did she see through to the way his heart beat picks up when Scott Falcone plays skins at practice?

Steve stares at the pool and digs his fingers hard into his thighs and then he goes inside and he doesn’t dream at all.

viii.

There's something about the way Billy Hargrove looks at him. It was there at the party and when Billy shoved him down at practice and when he cornered him in the shower. Steve hates this guy. He hates the way his stomach twists when he sees him but he can't help it. Billy makes him nervous, makes him feel seen in a way that is exhilarating and terrifying.

And then Billy shows up at the Byers house and he threatens Max and Lucas and Steve doesn't really know these kids but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because fighting monsters is what he does now and he thought he was going to die protecting them in that junk yard but he didn't and he's not going to stop protecting them now.

He's doing okay until Billy smashes a plate across his face. Steve goes down hard and fast and Billy beats the absolute shit out of him and Steve knows he's going to die like this, he knows it. Billy's got him pinned down and, weirdly, Steve is just thinking about that time when he was 13 and alone and thinking about that lifeguard holding him underwater. That lifeguard was probably the same age Steve is now. He loses consciousness listening to Billy scream.

_I deserve this_, Steve thinks, _for thinking that look in his eyes was anything. For thinking maybe he saw me._

Maybe Billy did see him. Maybe he had him all figured out. Maybe that's why he's doing this.

ix.

Steve doesn't die and he doesn't get Nancy back and he has nightmares where Tommy H is holding him underwater and that lifeguard is holding him underwater and Jonathan and Nancy are holding him underwater and Billy is holding him underwater and then he wakes up.

Dustin invites him over for Christmas and New Years and he shows up at Steve's house on his bike when his friends are busy and they watch movies and when it warms up they go swimming and Dustin starts bringing over the other kids and suddenly the house isn't so quiet.

Steve doesn't think about how afraid he is and he doesn't think about the hunch of Tony D's shoulders in English and then he graduates. Dustin goes off to camp. The mall opens and Steve gets a dumb job with a dumb uniform and a coworker who hates him and he can't seem to charm a single girl and Robin makes fun of him for that but at least it's a distraction.

Steve never once visits the public pool and he doesn't go swimming. Not even when the kids ask him to. He blames it on his hair, but sometimes he can still feel the weight of Will Byers watching him practice drowning and the thought of the water makes him sick.

x.

There are things that Steve knows are important. He needs everyone around him to be safe no matter what that means for him and he needs them to be happy no matter what that means for him and he knows that he needs Robin to laugh and not have that watery look in her eye.

So he's singing to her and laughing with her and Dustin and Erica burst in and then he and Robin are laughing harder and he's not thinking about himself or the swimming pool or how he thought he was going to die or how he's thought that too many times in his short life and he thinks, just for a second, that maybe if there's someone else like him then maybe the world won't end if he says it out loud. He's thinking of Tammy Thompson and the jazzercise instructor and he's not thinking about water in his lungs.

His face hurts and he's terrified but maybe he can do this.

The rest of the night passes in a blur and months go by and he doesn't tell her but they go swimming sometimes and he doesn't hold himself underwater with her here, with her watching, and slowly he feels less alone.

xi.

Contrary to popular belief, Steve Harrington does watch the news. He watches the news and wonders how many freak accidents around the world are actually caused by monsters. He watches the news and wonders if Hawkins is the only town where nightmares are made and he wonders if things would be better if he left.

He watches the news and sees that some things don't get better outside of this town, really, but he talks to Robin and she says that maybe they do.

The news tells him that people are dying everywhere and they deserve it but Robin comes in and changes the station. Robin comes in and shows him that there is hope and a way out and the only reason people are dying is because other people are letting them but it doesn't have to be that way.

Robin looks him in the eyes and holds his hands and she says it again.

"It doesn't have to be that way, Steve," she says, earnest. She looks at him like she can see him and for once it doesn't feel like he needs to hide it. She brings a hand up to wipe his cheeks and Steve realizes he was crying and Steve thinks, _this is it, she knows now and I have to tell her._ The realization doesn't feel like drowning.

"Robin," he says, and his voice catches in his throat.

"Let's go for a swim," Robin says, smiling softly. "You can tell me later."

Steve dives into the water and he comes back up.

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat Stranger Things (or Richard Siken) with me on [tumblr](https://sourbottlebaby.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/_sneganno). I swear I'm not usually this depressing.


End file.
